Pluto Nash, Dr. Doolittle, Norbit, and Starship Dave?!?!?!?

I woke up on the couch this morning with the TV still playing and what's the first thing I see? Why it's Detective Axel Foley...if you didn't know, Foley is the character Eddie Murphy plays in the Beverley Hills Cop series . Instead of being funny, it almost depressed me...seriously, what in the world happened to this guy? From the mid 80's to the mid 90's he was the funniest human alive. Now, he plays Pluto Nash, Dr. Doolittle, Norbit, and Starship Dave. That's right, the guy who brought us RAW played Pluto-freaking-Nash. I don't know if suddenly Eddie got unfunny or what...but the guy playing Pluto Nash, certainly isn't the same one in the above clip. So let this be a warning to the aspiring comics of the world, watch what you do or you'll end up as Dr. Doolittle...where your co-stars are a raccoon, bear, and a skunk!

The World's Worst Blogger

Yes, that's me folks. With the exception of a timely UK post, I haven't been here to keep my reader(s) entertained, and I'm sorry. I find myself wanting to blog, but then not doing it---mainly due to the fact that I have a retarded notion of blogging where every post has to be a long thought out criticism or something else that might have value. Well, after perusing blogs for the last week or so, I've finally realized that hell, I already write my opinions in e-mails, comment sections, message boards, and various other outlets of expression. So...I ask, why not get unlazy and actually throw some of this on the blog...for better or worse. So reader(s), I will once again attempt to provide a look at high and low culture for the masses!

In celebration of my reblogging (and the fact that I'm hungover and can't get motivated), I will let you know about a new band that's about to hit the U.S. shores, straight from a our friendly mates across the pond. They are called Florence + The Machine and here is what you need to know abou them:

a) they are definitely different, Wikipedia goes as far as calling them soul-inspired indie...what ever the fuck that means. I tend to think Tori Amos with a kick ass band backing her up!

b) their debut CD Lungs hits stores on October 20th.

c) also according to the always trusty Wikipedia, their song "A Kiss With a Fist" is used in the new Megan Fox film Jennifer's Body. Hipsters take note...you need to like them before you aren't allowed to any more.

So enjoy...

The Drunk, The Prick, and The Great Gambino

So, this was my entry for the KSR "Who Wants to be a Blogger Contest", and was compiled around June 26th. Little did I know that it would soon become SOO true.

Way out in Kentucky there was this fella I wanna tell ya about. Goes by the name of Billy Clyde Gillispie. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. See, this Gillispie, he called himself "The Drunk". Now, "Drunk" - there's a name no man would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about the Drunk that didn't make a whole lot of sense. Though sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that's the Drunk. The Drunk, from Lexington. And even if he's a lush - and the Drunk was most certainly that. Quite possibly the biggest lush in all of Fayette County, which would place him high in the runnin' for biggest lush worldwide. Sometimes there's a man, sometimes, there's a man. Well, I lost my train of thought here. But... aw, hell. I've done introduced it enough.

You see the Drunk bounced around from college to college moving up in the rankings quicker than the Little Gillispie Urban Achievers could shoot up the collegiate rankings. Finally the Drunk landed what he perceived to be his dream job, right in the heart of central Kentucky coaching for the University of Kentucky Wildcats. It is here that the roots of this story firmly take grasp and began to sprout up like a sasparilla vine. From the beginning the fans embraced the Drunk and really took to his aw shucks country ways. With the signing of a man called PPat it looked like only happy days were on the horizon. It wasn't until them Runnin' Bulldogs of Gardner Webb came crashing through that there was a sign that maybe this dream wasn't all it seemed. For two long years the Drunk insulted, pillaged, and drank his way through Lexington armed with only a MOU, a tape deck, and some Creedence tapes. After a trip to the dreaded N.I.T., the Drunk found himself flat on his back and in need of some serious soul searching.

Well, the Drunk isn't the kind of man that just lies around trying to fix things in the past. Without any job openings fit for a man of his stature, he found himself needing to escape the high class living and follow in the footsteps of his role model, Kwai Chang Caine. You got, it folks: it was time for the Drunk to "walk the earth". This time, instead of the Creedence tapes, the Drunk would only have his two God-given abilities: an indestructible liver and a keen eye for newly-minted twenty-one-year-olds. Armed with these weapons, the Drunk set out west to drink and pillage college towns across this great country we call America. The tales that I could unfold from his journey across the land would leave many a young lad speechless, I have even heard that his "number" grew to epic proportions, rivaling the Great Chamberlain of many years prior. But viewers, I can't end our hero's tale there, it's time that I pick up our journey outside Barstow in a seedy motel.

Stuck in Barstow, broke, boozed up, and miles away from the nearest sorority house, the Drunk finally realized that unlike Caine, he had found his calling in life many moons before. The Drunk's earlier prophecy of his "dream job" was actually half right. Instead of dream job, the Drunk had found his dream city. It is to be told that the Drunk needed to return to the scene of his most Everestesque conquests. Having recently been referred to as a "prick" for close to the millionth time and near the bottom of a Kentucky Gentleman bottle---the Drunk saw a sign. He was to team up with the great Prickett from over in West Virginia and resurrect a monument to boozing,whore-mongering, debauchery, and depravity of which our great city of Lexington has only seen once before. They were to call this monument the Great Gambino's: Volume Deuce. Free from the restraints of coaching, bouncers, and angry bartenders the Drunk finally abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there, doing the Lord's work...The Drunk...Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners!

Sorry...

I just got the internet back up at my house yesterday.  I would have loved to make some posts while at school...but actual school work called.  I'm mainly making this post to say don't worry, I haven't stopped blogging, and there will be plenty more to come.  Next week might be a little rough because I have some midterms.

Anyways, I don't just want a mindless post saying that I'm still blogging without giving you something mildly entertaining.  That being said, here is one of my favorite sites to read when I'm bored:

Stuff White People Like

Quality posts on there about "stuff white people like".

Kenny Powers Vs. Celebrity

Show: Eastbound & Down

Season, Episode: S01E01 - So1E03

With quotes like the following two:

"I play real sports.  I ain't trying to be the best at exercising"

"Today we're going to cover the virtues of real masculine strength.  And ladies you can learn something too. So don't be sexist"

One wouldn't expect much more than "dick and fart" jokes from HBO's new series Eastbound and Down. And at first glance, Eastbound and Down doesn't stray too far from the successful winning formula of movies like Stepbrothers, Anchorman, and The 40 Year Old Virgin.  With a firm grasp on the tastes of Middle America they successfully interject enough mullet jokes, drunken foolishness, and loose women to keep the masses happy.  This formula alone, is usually enough to keep ratings high.  So, what else should we want or need?

The main character, Kenny Powers is a narcissistic, drunk, washed up former major league baseball player who has yet to realize his stardom is gone. In what could be a 30 minute Will Ferrell movie, the writers instead treat us to moments where we start to understand that actually Kenny can't control his actions. His faults, aren't actually his faults. Because he has been idolized and worshipped his whole life, Kenny hasn't learned how to interact with other humans as his equal.  This social ineptitude is the driving force behind Kenny's desire to return to the majors.  Instead of an actual training regimen, Kenny takes shortcuts with steroids, attempts to sale old memorabilia (not realizing how little demand there is), and makes a jackass out of himself with every opportunity.  Unlike Brett Favre, who just can't quit, Kenny isn't in it for competition, he just wants his fame back.   People like Kenny Powers are the reason we have shows like The Two Coreys, Rock of Love, and Celebrity Rehab.  While they are mind numbingly bad shows, they offer a better glimpse of what "celebrity" is like.  I'm not talking about the rock star perspective Cribs gives you, instead I'd rather focus on what it's like to have "celebrity' and then to lose it.  Just as Brett Michaels has no idea his glory days are behind him...Kenny Powers wanders through life with the idea that there are still autographs to be signed, hotels to smash, and groupies to pillage.  With each episode, we get a bigger glimpse of Kenny vs. "celebrity".  Unfortunately for Kenny, there is no VH1 to offer one more chance at "celebrity".  And this paradox is what truly drives the show.

I know many will come for the "dick and fart" jokes and those people will not leave unsatisfied.  I just hope enough stick around to see the true Main Event....Kenny vs. Celebrity!

Sean Penn, Political Activist?

Movie: Milk (2008)

Status: In Theaters

As a country we are quite fickle.  We expect our celebrities to conform to a golden set of standards.  For what?  So they can be role models?  When the Dixie Chicks speak out against a popular war (at the time), we boycott their CD's and encourage radio stations to do the same.  Let's quickly explore this a little deeper.  People who previously enjoyed the Dixie Chicks CD's were seen burning the CD's in protest.  Who loses in this situation? It's not the Dixie Chicks, whose album sales went up during the protests(some people even purchased CD's just to burn).  Why can't we just enjoy an artists work, instead of worrying about where they stand on an issue?

Sean Penn is an actor, movie producer, and damn fine director.  So why, like the Dixie Chicks, should his opinion matter in regards to anything outside the world of film?  The short answer is, it shouldn't matter.  But, oh...it does matter.  When Sean Penn gives a speech in support of gay rights on Oscar night, conservatives across the nation get into an uproar over the appropriateness of said speech.  Somehow, Sean Penn doesn't have a right to an opinion anymore.  And folks, this is where our logic gets twisted.  Sean Penn does have the right to an opinion, but as Americans we hold the right to not give a damn what his opinion is.  Until Penn pulls a Reagan and runs for public office, I don't care what he thinks about gay rights, the Iraqi War, Hurricane Katrina, or any other political subject.  All I care about is that when I shell over my $7, he puts on a good performance.  In that aspect, he always meets my expectations.   Last night, I left the theater in total awe over his portrayal of Harvey Milk.  Some will dismiss this as Sean Penn playing a "fag", "queer", etc.  Yea, Harvey Milk was gay, but this wasn't a performance about a gay man, it was about a fighter.  Instead of Jack Twist (Brokeback Mountain) he should be compared to characters such as Maximus Decimus Meridius, William Wallace, or Walter Sobchak.  Because, at the root of it, that is what this film is about.  It's about a man who kept fighting, kept pushing, and wasn't afraid to lose if it helped the greater cause.  All the while, Penn was quite funny, caring, and slightly egotistical.  While a lot of people will stay away based on Penn's political views .  I will openly laugh at those people, who will be missing one of the better performances of the year.

What's even better than this, is when we expect our celebrities to be something besides themselves.  When Pacman Jones openly frequents strip clubs, we are aghast.  Apparently 8 gold medals become irrelevant…when you get high.  Foolishly, we expect this elite section of the population to act different than the norm.  Here are two things, that most of their peer group has done, but yet when "celebrities" indulge, we are surprised?  These aren't role models, they are young men with crazy amounts of money, who should act like normal guys in their 20's.  What's the next shocker, professional wrestling is fake?  Let's grow up as a country and get a little selfish.  So what if Sean Penn has an opinion you don't like, don't deny yourself the enjoyment of seeing a brilliant performance.  Don't miss out on watching arguably the greatest Olympian ever because he gets high in the off season.  I'm not writing this for them...I could give a damn about them.  Just remember when you go watch Milk, you aren't supporting Sean Penn the politician, you are supporting Sean Penn portraying Harvey Milk, as an actor.

That's Hot!

Show: Paris Hilton's British Best Friend

Season, Episode: S01E01 - S01E05

Imagine a reality show where the prize is...wait for it, wait for it...NOTHING.  Impossible you say, not for America's favorite heiress, Miss Paris Hilton.  With Paris Hilton's My New BFF, Paris has exploited "our" need for celebrity, offering a grand prize that essentially amounts to a few publicity appearances with Paris herself.  Having only caught a few moments here and there, I can't comment on the series as a whole, but from my limited exposure I found it totally unwatchable.  The characters were uninspiring and I found myself searching for the remote within a few wretched minutes.  My thoughts aside, the show managed to be a mild ratings success, and we should all thank our lucky stars for this.  Without this success, the premise would've never got the British remake it so deserves.

Just like Paris Hilton's My New BFF, Paris Hilton's British Best Friend is completely indefensible.  What makes the show stand out from it's parent are the characters.  These are girls who truly want to be her BBF.  Instead of laughing the weekly competitions off, the girls (and token gay) dive gung ho into them, they get genuinely excited at the opportunity for a "date" with Paris, and they actually cry when they think Paris may think they are fake.  Because as we all know, there is nothing worse than being fake (unless you are an insecure, shallow, attention-deprived tramp).  Wrap all that up into a package that includes hot girls and even sexier British accents and you have the best kept secret of 2009.  Let's all give a bloody toast to vanity and make sure to tune in every Thursday.